Stop Explaining More

"I've explained it five different times. They keep agreeing with me but nothing changes. I don't know how to get them to buy in." If you've sent that message to a colleague, said it out loud in supervision, or thought it at 10pm on a Tuesday -- this episode is for you.

Dr. Monica Gilbert makes a case that might be uncomfortable: buy-in isn't the problem. The phrase itself is. In this episode, she walks through what actually keeps parents stuck (hint: it's rarely lack of understanding), shares the story of a mom of twins whose silence was fear, not resistance, and offers three concrete shifts that change the entire dynamic of a parent coaching session -- starting with stopping what most clinicians do instinctively: explaining more.

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Transcript

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I'm having issues with buy-in from parents. I've explained it five different times. They keep agreeing with me, but they don't actually do anything. They keep canceling sessions last minute. I don't know how to get them to buy in. Hello, everyone. My name is Dr. Monica Gilbert. Welcome to this very interesting episode of Am I for a Change? If you have ever texted one of these phrases, if you've said it out loud to a colleague or even to yourself, this episode is probably the right episode for you. So, first, I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone. That is probably the single most common message I receive from VCBAs, from therapists, psychologists, and honestly, almost every helping profession. But here's what I want to challenge you today. I don't actually think buy-in is a problem. Even though, if you have taken my courses in the past, you know I use buy-in a lot. But after thinking about it a couple of times, I've come to this realization. The realization, again, is that buy-in is not really the problem. What is the problem? What is the challenge here? I think the phrase itself is keeping all of us stuck. Because every time we tell ourselves this parent isn't buying in, we already create a story in our minds. And usually that story says they understand, they don't know what to do, they've decided not to do it. And once we believe that story, once we believe that narrative, our entire approach changes. We tend to explain more, we show the data, we persuade harder, we repeat ourselves, and we become frustrated. Eventually, we become burnt out. And here's something I've realized after years of working with families. Most clinicians don't burn out because of the children they work with. They burn out because they feel like they're carrying the parent relationship and all the other responsibilities by themselves. Every session starts to feel like another uphill battle, another family to convince, another person to motivate, another parent who doesn't care. And eventually you start wondering maybe I'm just not good at this, or why should I care if they don't care? And today I want to challenge every bit of that belief. Because what if the parent isn't refusing to buy in? What if we're asking the wrong questions? And I want that to sip in a little bit. Years ago, one of my graduate students called me after they had a completely defeated session with a parent. I remember having that conversation with them because one of their role plays or one of their projects that they had to do was conduct a parent training session in vivo. And I remember her telling me something along the lines of Dr. Gilbert, I don't know what else to do. And I remember her telling me, like, this family's not buying in, you know, these parents don't get along. And then they're like arguing the whole session. And I'm just like, I don't know what to do. And basically they don't, they're just not buying in. So I asked her, What makes you say that? Like, what makes you say that they're not buying in? And she immediately started listening behavior. So she started telling me that, well, some of the things that they're doing is that they are canceling last session. Or whenever we meet, they're just nodding, but then they don't do what we what I tell them to do or what I suggest. They don't put it to practice. They agree during supervision, everything's great. But again, I don't see them engage in that follow-through. Or they forget. Then she looked at me and said, they just don't care. And I remember when she said that, I gave her like this smile. And not because I thought she was wrong, but because I heard that sentence hundreds of times in the past. I've heard that sentence before. And everything that she was listing here sounded familiar. And almost every single time the conclusion was wrong. So notice what happened. She described behaviors and then jumped to motivation. Those are two very separate things. Behavior tells us what happened. Motivation is what tells us the why. And unless someone tells us the why, we are usually guessing. We know this in ABA. We know this that we have to know the function. We always have to know the why of the behaviors before we jump in there. So here's what MI teaches us. People don't change simply because someone gave them good information. If not, we would all be changing our poor habits. And God knows, we have a lot of poor habits. At least I tend to have it sometimes. People change when their own reasons become stronger than their fears. And that's very different. Because if I believe someone lacks information, what am I going to do? I'm going to educate. If I believe someone lacks motivation, I'm going to persuade. But if someone is ambivalent, and that's such a powerful concept and word, neither of these things works. And that's where MI actually lives, right in the middle of that ambivalence. So let me tell you about a mom I'll never forget. Every supervision looked exactly the same. I'd explain a strategy, and then she would nod, she would smile, and she say, Yes, absolutely. Yeah, what a good idea. I'll totally work on that. I remember working, it was a mom of twins. And then the next session, the next week, nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. The following week, same thing. Eventually, someone on my team said, I honestly don't think she wants help. I don't remember if it was like the RBT that was working there, or it was another analyst that was helping with the supervision. But something about that didn't really feel right because she kept showing up to the parent coaching sessions. And P I thought people that truly don't care usually don't continue scheduling appointments, right? Like, why are they gonna continue to schedule appointments if they really don't care? So instead of explaining the intervention for the fourth or fifth time, felt like the hundredth time. I tried something different. I simply asked her, Can I ask you something? And I remember that she nodded. And I said, What has made this difficult? That was it. That was it. She immediately, immediately burst into tears. And she looked at me and said, I feel like every time I leave here, I have another way I'm failing with my son. And that was such an eye-opener. And then she continued to say something along the lines of, When you explain everything, I totally understood it. But then I get home and I freeze. And I keep thinking I'll probably do it wrong or I don't want to make things worse. Then she said something I'll never forget. I'd rather not do anything that messes him up and makes it worse. Think about that. That wasn't resistance. That wasn't laziness. That wasn't lack of buy-in. That was fear. That was real fear. Completely different intervention. When we think someone is resistance, we explain more. When we realize they're scared, what do we do? Well, we tend to take a step back and listen more. And it becomes a completely different conversation. So what do we do instead? First, stop explaining more. If you leave with anything during this conversation, stop explaining more. I know that's really hard. It's really hard for us in the helping field because that's why we're here. We're here to explain. We're here to psychoeducate. When something isn't working, our instinct is naturally to fix. That's where the fixing reflex comes in. And we may think, well, they probably didn't understand. So let me explain it again. Let me explain it longer with more details, maybe have another handout. But here's a problem. Most parents already get it. They already understand. Understanding isn't what's missing. Confidence is, capacity is, energy is, and hope is, and fear gets in the way, not intelligence. The second thing, ask before you tell. I'm really big on asking the right questions. So instead of saying something like, remember, you need to try asking, what has this week been like? What got in the way? What felt manageable? What felt impossible? Notice that those questions aren't looking for excuses. They're looking for understanding. Because once you understand, you know where to help. Number three, learn to recognize ambivalence. What is ambivalence? Ambivalence is a state of wanting one thing and the other thing at the same time. And sometimes they're contradictory to themselves. Parents often sound like, I know I should, I want to, but that word, but is usually where the real session begins. Imagine this conversation. Instead of saying consistently, consistency is really important. Try saying, it sounds like part of you really wants to do this, and another part of you feels overwhelmed or even switch it up a little bit. Start off with it sounds like part of you is overwhelmed and the other part of you really want to do it. Why do I switch it up? I always like to prompt that change talk. So I always end with that argument towards change. And then you want to give them that silence. Give them that space. Just let it drop and let it hit there. I know some of us are very uncomfortable with silence. And this can be very difficult for us to practice, but it does so much when you allow that other person to process something that's so important. And more often than not, they'll continue talking. And here's the beautiful part. Once they hear themselves, they begin solving the problem. Not because you convince them, but because they convince themselves. That's really the heart of MI. People believe what they hear themselves say far more than what we tell them. And we know this. We know this from our own sessions. Like if you're having a terrible day and then you sit with a friend and you just start talking about all these things. I have a friend of mine that did this to me the other day. She was like, I'm having a horrible day. I need someone to talk to. I want you to like tell me what to do. And I'm like, sure, I'm here to listen. And um, I was just listening to her. I didn't say a peep. And she was going on and on. And then she was like, Well, you know what? Now that I hear myself saying this, I'm actually gonna do this differently. And I'm I'm gonna try to do this instead. And at the end, she was like, Thank you so much. And I was like thinking, like, what did I do? I was, I guess I was just present. I was like, okay, you're welcome. But that happens, right? That that tends to happen. So it can happen also in your parent training sessions. There's no reason why I wouldn't. So I want you to imagine two versions of the exact same meeting. So version one, you spend 20 minutes explaining and the parent nods and you leave frustrated. And then version two, you spend 15 minutes asking thoughtful questions. The parent does most of the talking. At the end, they say, you know what? I think I could actually start with just one thing. Same parent, different clinician, and different outcome. So this is not because you were one was more persistent or persuasive than the other, but because you stop carrying the conversation by yourself. And I think that's one of the biggest mindset shifts clinicians need to make, carrying that conversation by themselves. That's really what leads us to this burnout culture that is that we have. And the reality is that you, yes, you and you and you are not responsible for creating motivation. You're responsible for creating the condition where motivation can emerge. And I'm gonna say that again because I feel like that is so powerful. I have to put it in a bumper sticker. You are not responsible for creating motivation. You are responsible for creating the condition where motivation can emerge. Those are two completely different jobs. One is impossible and the other incredibly freeing. So the next time you hear yourself saying, This parent has no buy-in, I want you to pause and instead ask yourself, what might they be struggling with that I haven't discovered yet? What is the why? What's hidden? That one question really changes everything. It changes how you listen, it changes how you respond. And interestingly, it usually changes how the parent responds to. And remember, burnout isn't coming from the child. Most of us enter this field because we genuinely love working with kids. Burnout comes from believing we're supposed to carry the parent's side of change by ourselves, trying to convince, persuade, trying to make people want something. That's a weight none of us were ever meant to carry. Our job isn't to create motivation, our job is to evoke it. And that is huge. I hope that you found value in this session. And I hope that you come listen to me again. Any comments, any advice, any recommendation, any good questions you want to share here, please share them. I'll see you next week on MI for Change. Thank you for joining me on today's episode of MI for Change. If you're ready to keep growing your motivational interviewing skills, I'd love to invite you to explore my MI Academy, where you'll find a full library of on-demand courses designed to help you put MI into practice with confidence. You can learn more at www.drmonicagilbert.com. Until next time, keep asking the questions that spark change.